Getting Comfortable with Consent
It would be easy to assume that young people don’t want to talk about sex with their parents and teachers. But we are witnessing a nation-wide movement of young people crying out for better conversations about consent. What started as a simple social media poll, became a petition to federal parliament that gained 44,000 signatures in the first month alone and sparked federal legislation mandating consent education in schools across Australia. Consent education is a hot topic, primarily because young people are leading the conversation.
It may be difficult to believe that young people actually want to talk about sex with adults. Teachers and parents may have some clear evidence to the contrary in their own homes and classrooms! But what I’ve noticed over the last 10 years leading conversations with young people on a wide range of difficult topics, is that when we create the right kind of environment, it’s actually difficult to stop them talking. They’re hungry for information, they want to talk about the ‘grey areas’ and they’re full of questions like, ‘what if I…’, ‘why do they…’, ‘how do I…’ and so on.
The reason they often don’t appear comfortable talking about consent at home and in school is because it’s too risky. It’s risky to admit in front of peers that they don’t have all the answers. It’s risky to admit that they don’t know what they’re doing. It’s risky to admit that they don’t know what their partner wants… and that’s dangerous. Because if it’s too risky to ask my partner what they want, then how do I know what they’re consenting to, if anything? And if it’s too risky to tell my partner what I want, then how can they know what I’m consenting to?
Conversations on consent are not always easy. They can be awkward, difficult, vulnerable and even scary. And that’s exactly why its time for parents and teachers to lean in to the conversation. It’s an opportunity for adults to role model courage, honesty and even vulnerability by leaning into our discomfort and uncertainty - the same kind of uncertainty we want them to talk about in their intimate relationships. If we want young people to get better at creating consent with their partners by honestly communicating their wants and needs, then leaning into honest conversations is a perfect place to start.
One thing that I notice every time I talk about consent with parents or teachers is that most of us never had these conversations with adults when we were young. I think it’s worth acknowledging that a generation of teachers and parents leaning into conversations on consent with young people is an act of revolution… and revolution isn’t easy. It takes courage… it takes vulnerability… it takes the willingness to admit that we don’t have all the answers and that we can learn with them instead of having to be the experts.
It can be particularly difficult for teachers to put themselves in the position of ‘not being the expert’. But I’ve found that when we find the courage to do exactly that - when we lead with real honesty and genuine curiosity, we create a level of safety that young people are crying out for. And that’s the kind of environment where young people can ask the questions that are difficult to voice and be really honest about their uncertainty and confusion. It‘s the kind of environment where they can really make each other feel heard and learn from each others’ experiences.
If teachers and parents in your school community would like some support in creating these spaces for young people, please get in touch.